I used to think that people hurt me, hurt me a lot. Later, I found out that the way people hurt me, I have hurt people too. May be worse than they’ve ever hurt me. Some people? or many? This remains a question mark, a really small yet frantic question mark. I was so baffled with such anger kindling realities about my own self-proclaimed later anticlimactically modified self that this awkward void inside me was forcing me to seek more truths about myself, to find myself, to know myself. Who am I? I don’t know. That’s kind of ludicrous that the person who used to judge people, who used to think that he can get to know people very well is now enormously lost in his own labyrinth of uniquely multifarious realities of his own self.

I used to think I was too narcissistic, too over-confident to judge people. It was more like to be the epitome of being judgmental. But then what happened? The karma showed its self, its true magnificent self. The nature turned to me, defeated me like I was nothing but an insect who can easily be killed by a shoe. It feels like I was being stigmatized by karma, being mocked down to face the reality of my own filth.

Since then, burning inside me is this insatiable thirst, the thirst to make me find more realities about myself. A judgmental being, who’d judge others being self-obsessively acumen without hearing any voices that comes from the inside – one of that is; the voice of integrity and other that of the diabolical laugh of the devil, of now whose voices seem vitriolic to me which makes me feel insecure, is now weeping over this intolerable self-imposed instigation. Or should I really say “self” imposed? I don’t think so, or may be yes I should. Because eventually I was the one who caused it right from the start.

Sometimes, I think I should change myself. But why, because of what people think of me? This makes me realize how much weak and scared I am of the world. But what to do in order to transmute myself? Isn’t that the question of the century? May be not, may be it is a lot easier to answer. All it takes is the self-actualization, which is off course the difficult part but not really. Once you are pre-determined to bring the change in yourself, you can do it. Trust me, you can.

Changing ourselves and bringing the change in ourselves are two different things. One can’t simply change its nature but can transmute it by meticulous introspection. Judging others less and judging one’s own self more. It isn’t easy to achieve the level of imperturbability; one has to become moralistic to be able to control himself & his soul to achieve the level of such calmness and humbleness.

But there exists a mysterious “but” in it. Being overly introspective, we sometimes, judge ourselves wrong. Others would hurt us more than we’d do to them. Or it is possible that we didn’t hurt them but their criticism & impious hatred leads us to think whether we did hurt them or not. This happens when we don’t have faith in ourselves, when we are not enough self-confident, we are mentally feeble and in a condition where it is our predilection to make others happy regardless of if we remain happy or not. That’s the real story which we need to realize, when it comes to introspecting and judging others. We need to keep in mind everything but we enshroud ourselves so much by this sanctimonious cloud of unhealthy emotions that we lose this balance and move our focus to actually criticizing ourselves and scolding ourselves for the sins we didn’t commit.

Then again after realizing this all, it all begins, that insatiable thirst to find ourselves, to know ourselves. But this time, without being enshrouded by false emotions, by being balanced and knowing and keeping in mind all the facts. The “who am I” then doesn’t remain a mystery. It is not easy to know ourselves, to find out the realities about ourselves but it is without a single doubt possible. All we need is dedication and motivation.